“SGR waits for no man,” Witty Banker.

12th Apr, 2018

“Hi guys, welkam to my shano!”

Juzi juzi I went to Coast with my Kalongo friend. First of all, it was a leisure trip because, as I have said before, 2018 is my year. Sijawai panda SGR so you can picture my Spongebob eyes wide open piercing through the dark waiting for morning to come. Morning came and so did sleep so we wound up waking up late. We were slated to leave at 7:30am so I called an Uber coz I needed that discount when I pay with my KCB card.

We got to Syokimau kitu 7:20 and the watchie told us to ‘go print our tickets’. But what are you telling millennials, of course I printed the webpage after I paid for my tickets, what is? And we proceeded to get checked… only to get to the front at 7:27am to be turned away to print our tickets. Also, mbona Wakenya tunakuwanga hivi? As in not a single person has ever written on the SGR procedures. So thank me later.

I was manning our luggage as a Chinese brother hovered around waiting to give the green light to shut the door closed. By the time my Kalongo friend came back with the litu blue tickety thingies, Sum Ting Wong had slammed my SGR trip shut as he locked the gate.

“SGR waits for no man,” Witty Banker.

We sat at the steps pondering our next move which was to Uber to town and catch a bus. Thankfully I had my KCB-Uber offer so it was all good until the same watchie from before came running to us, “fanyeni hivi, pandeni boda mtaipata Athi River!!!”

We didn’t even think twice having learnt that “asiyeskia la this watchie, hapandi SGR.”

James Bond had nothing on us – two humans, one nduthi, lots of luggage, on a misty Friyay morning, on a busy Mombasa Road. Please don’t try this at home.

In about 10-15mins we were at the Athi River terminus. It was pure madness, like the ER walai. The guards there were busy trying to get us through and once we were in we realized the bag that had all our money and tickets was had slipped somewhere along our action movie. We stood there devastated looking at each other, without a word.

Another nduthi dropping fellow latecomers pulled up and our nduthi guy asked if he had seen the bag to which he answered “ya blue hivi. Nimeona kuleeee.”

Nduthi guy C pulled in eaves dropping on the conversation talking about “nimeona mtu fulani akiiokota nikadhani ni yake.” The guy was walking the opposite direction! So our knights in shinning nduthis set off to find the said ‘guy’.

We sought help and got in the train (yaay us!) we left the guards our numbers in case the knights tracked down the bag.

We sat in the train silently just wondering what kind of witchcraft we had lived through in less than an hour. We fikad coasto and my phone started ringing on high. This is where my real problems began:

The bag had not been tracked.

The nduthi guy was waiting on a 3K pay.

We needed transport from the terminus to Oshwal (If you’re familiar with North Coast then you know that distance)

We were hungry and dehydrated.

Oooh, here’s the icing on the cake: we didn’t have a penny on us.


Usually, when I need some money I call my Kalongo friend but this time we were in the same situation.  Nikakumbuka sina deni ya KCB-MPESA but I was a bit if-if about my loan limit so I check and it was (a lot) more than I thought. Turns out when you transact a lot they revise your loan limit and nimekuwa nikilipwa tupesa pesa hapa na pale naweka hapo.

So tusavings tulikuwa tumegrow and I could borrow a s-weet amount! Also, an interest rate of 3.91% was music to my ears.


Moral of the story: Sometimes tushidashida hujipanga in a line to ruin your day; KCB M-PESA proved the ultimate wingman.


As a side note: you and a born 2000 are both eligible for a KCB M-PESA loan. Tuache kuchoma – Lipeni deni bana.


Over & Out,

Witty Banker



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