Wakenya Marekani, We’re coming for you

18th May, 2018

Of things that will never make sense. Jamaa aliketi chini and decided America will translate to Marekani and we let him get away with it?

Anyway, mnakumbuka enzi za Green Card Lottery? That thing ruined my childhood. Nakumbuka nikichambua magazeti every Sunday because every other relative wanted in. And I mean every last one – especially my auntie who has an opinion about everything including why that fela alimeza mswaki.

I’ll be honest with you, most of my relatives aren’t exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer (The good book says the truth will set me free, sitaki maneno priss). In fact juzi mwingine aliangusha several thousands on a potentially lucrative broti (ploti) ya kukuza Managu in a county I’d rather not mention. Mwenye alisema ‘ignorance ni mzigo’ ako mahali tu anatuangalia tu akitikisa kichwa.

My family is A LOT of work. We all love each other but kuchoma ndio tulipenda. They say you don’t choose your family so hey.

So one by one they went. They pelekad their noise ‘in the abroad’. So many left that huku Easter and Christmas is just another visit interchanging between my mom’s house, my bros and my bedsitter (cha muhimu ni uhai). We’re still very much in contact; we are a close bunch! So every now and then, we get post cards and lots of pictures pale Wozzap family group.

My aunties are hell-bent on taking pics in the snow yet wakiwa Kagundo, the cold was bad for their bones. My uncles are constantly in the foreground of Time Square pics ama pale White House. The latter especially when our boy Obeezy was POTUS – as if to discuss ‘hii siasa”. Suddenly, my Holy Jane aunties are pictured squeezing on tiny cocktail stools sipping brightly colored mocktails at a ‘Welcome to the Neighbourhood’ barbeque with a jungu family. I haven’t mentioned how my mom’s sister ‘garra talk like this’ – she picked her accent at the airport akingoja cab. I have a cousin Njambi who left Kenya akivaa skirt za gorofa and frilled sweaters; Yeezy is the theme on her Instagram. Of course, there’s the occasional Balenciaga black T-shirt which she tucks on one side in her blue boyfriend jeans. She often pairs these with ridiculously thick Yeezy sneakers. Even her steel wool hair can now make a lazy bun – isn’t God wonderful! There’s just something about the states!

So you can imagine how happy I am to hear that I’ll be in the list of KCBae’s diaspora team that will be touring the States  to meet Kenyans living there to discuss what you could make work for you back at home. Na hii KCB huwa imewapenda sana! Mara Dubai, mara Austalia! My new relationship goal is to find me a bae that goes all out for me like KCB does for Kenyans living in the Diaspora!

I’m so stoked to eat at McDonald’s, put #VegasNights on my Instagram photos and to post boomerangs of the meal prep process for Mac’n’Cheese! Also, I might do the next blogpost in audio format because hii Nairobi hamtalala when I have an American accent! Please, and thank you. ‘I can TOTALLY see it happening and it’s like SUPER RAD… OMGeee, guys!’

I now leave you with a photo of my watuz. You can already hear them just by looking at them… ☹

Love yours.


The Witty Banker






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